The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks
by Kaori
Summary: Ninth and final shinobi's guide. Neji, Kiba, and Sasuke are running for Genin of the Year! However, navigating the ninja political arena will prove to be more difficult than taking food from Chouji!
1. Chapter 1

This is the ninth and final shinobi's guide. Oh stop crying you know it couldn't last forever. It's an election year in my country so I thought this would be an appropriate guide for the occasion…

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

"Genin of Konohagakure!" Tsunade announced. "It is my distinct privilege to announce that we will be reinstating the yearly elections for Genin of the Year!" An excited murmur went up amongst the crowd of people that had gathered outside the Hokage Tower. "Yes, that's right. We finally managed to get the crown unstuck from the top of the flagpole."

"How'd it get up there again?" Izumo asked his cohort.

"You remember," Kotetesu said. "Ibiki got mad because Genma won, stole the crown, and super glued it to the flagpole."

"As you all know, only genin can announce their candidacy, and the winner gets a voucher for a week of no D-Rank missions, including cat chasing, among other privileges." Tsunade continued. This got everybody's attention. Retrieving runaway pussy was the one D-Rank mission that every Konoha ninja has done at least thirty times. To be exempt from that for a week was a godsend. "Those of you who wish to run for Genin of the Year can officially announce your candidacy tomorrow. We'll hold the debate a month from now so you have four weeks to campaign. The voting will take place right after the debate is finished. Now, on to my other announcement, it has come to my attention that someone has been drinking my sake…" There was much nervous coughing amongst the jounin population.

Once everyone had been dismissed, the village genin immediately started discussing who would win.

"Naturally Sasuke-kun will be elected Genin of the Year." Sighed Ino, starry-eyed.

"What's so natural about that? If anyone is going to be Genin of the Year it'll be me." Boasted Kiba.

"Keep dreaming dog-boy." Snorted Sasuke. "Between you and the dobe I'll win by a landslide."

"I'm not running." Said Naruto, shocking the hell out of everyone. They thought since Sasuke was putting his name up for candidacy Naruto would too just for the chance to show the dark-haired boy up; and then there was the no cat-chasing thing.

"B…but, why not Naruto-kun?" Hinata's plans of being Naruto's campaign manager and thereby getting him to notice her were dashed to pieces. Naruto refused to answer.

"Well, if you're not running then you can help me with my campaign!" announced Kiba.

"No! Naruto's going to help Sasuke-kun." Sakura said adamantly. "As his teammate it's only right that he help Sasuke. Right Sasuke-kun?"

"Hmph, just so long as he doesn't screw up." Snorted Sasuke.

"Hey, I may not be running but there's no way I'm going to help the teme win!" protested Naruto.

"Ha!" said Kiba. "Naruto doesn't even want to help Sasuke, so he's free to help me win this thing!"

"I never said I would help you either Dog Breath."

"Eh? Why not?"

"It doesn't matter, I'll still win." Sasuke interrupted.

"That's what you think Uchiha. This election is mine! You may have the fangirl vote but nobody else likes you so I'll definitely win!"

"Actually, neither one of you has a prayer of being elected Genin of the Year." Said Neji.

"Oh? And why is that, Hyuuga?" Sasuke glared at the older genin.

"Because _I'm_ going to win."

"IN YOUR DREAMS!" yelled Kiba and Sasuke, inciting a three-way squabble.

So the next day, the candidates for Genin of the Year were posted on a large bulletin board in the village square as follows:

Hyuuga Neji

Sadaharu Ran

Inuzuka Kiba

Asataka Yuki

Uchiha Sasuke

Wataro Ayame

Tsunade smirked at the list. She was certain that the other three candidates would drop out once they saw who they were up against. After all, relative unknowns couldn't hope to compete against three members of the most prominent clans in Konoha. She was a little upset that Naruto had decided not to run and that the Nara kid was exempt, but she was even more upset to find out that none of the girls from the Rookie Nine had decided to run. Upset but not surprised. TenTen didn't have time for that kind of this, Hinata was far too shy to run, and since Sasuke was running Ino and Sakura would be too busy fighting over who would be managing his campaign. Shino and Chouji not running wasn't surprising either. Shino wasn't the type to draw attention to himself and Chouji didn't really have much incentive to run. Still, Kiba, Neji, and Sasuke would certainly put on an interesting campaign.

"This is going to be interesting." She grinned. There was a knock at the door. "Enter." Izumo poked his head in.

"Hokage-sama, the piranhas you ordered are here." He said. Tsunade steepled her hands.

"Eeexcellent."

_Next chapter we find that running for office in a ninja village is a little different than running in the normal political arena. Instead of fundraisers and the usual campaign speeches, there's…well you'll see._

_Additional A/N: The updates for this story will be very fast. I'm going to try and update this story at least once a week so expect this story to be complete in at least nine weeks. This is a bittersweet thing for me. On the one hand it is the end of saga, on the other I have more time to work on Where the Hell Are We Now, on the other hand you guys are going to bombard me with emails demanding that I write another one…Mendokuse._


	2. Chapter 2

Wolfkun I do have three hands. Mind you the third one is fake and attached to a stick (I use it to scratch those hard to reach places on my back) but it is a hand.

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

Confusion was the emotion of the day as the candidates stood on a platform above a large pond. Bamboo poles jutted out from the murky water.

"You are about to take your first step on the campaign trail" Tsunade said. Last night they had dismantled and modified a wooden guard tower so that it now resembled a judges box. "To be Hokage means that you must be the strongest ninja in the village. You have already proven that you are braver than the vast majority of your fellow genin by running for Genin of the Year. Now you must prove to be stronger than your peers as well." She pointed at the bamboo poles. "Each of you will take up a position on one of those poles where you will battle until there are only five of you remaining after which we will remove the poles and you must continue fighting without the aid of the poles until only four remain." She pointed at the large, square object that was covered by tarp. "At that time you will find out what's underneath the tarp."

"Why won't you tell us what's under there now?" Yuki asked.

"Because we don't want to spoil the surprise." Smirked the Godaime. "During the melee you will not be permitted to use any bloodline traits or clan specific jutsus. Any use of ninjutsu, taijutsu, or genjutsu that cannot be utilized outside of your clan will result in immediate disqualification." Neji opened his mouth to protest but Tsunade cut him off. "Jyuuken will be allowed but you cannot use the Byakugan or Kaiten."

"Are weapons allowed?" asked Ran.

"Yes." Said Tsunade.

"What about..." Kiba ventured.

"You will have to do without Akamaru this time around Kiba."

With the ground rules established, the genin's got ready to fight for what they each thought was rightfully theirs. The question was: who was right?

Up in the judges box, Anko, Genma, Aoba, and Tsunade were busy taking and making bets. Shizune, reluctantly manned the toteboard. Currently the Uchiha and Hyuuga had odds of 5:3, Kiba was at 8:6, and the three other genins were at 2:1 (1).

"Eighteen ryou on the Hyuuga!" yelled one jounin.

"Gimme thirty on Kiba!" that voice was Inuzuka Tsume.

"Mom!" yelled Hana, appalled that her mother would use her son to make money.

"Oh…sorry, dear…Seventy-two ryou on Kiba!"

"Hey you! You can't pay with this!" Anko had a chuunin in a headlock. "You see the sign: Cash only!"

"Tsunade-sama, should you be doing this?" Shizune asked for the twentieth time.

"Are you kidding? This is the quickest way to make my drinking money!" grinned Tsunade. "And I know what you're thinking Shizune, but you needn't worry. I have a plan."

"Hey, aren't you a little young to be gambling?" Genma asked Naruto, who had just placed a hundred ryou each on Neji, Sasuke, and Kiba. The blonde genin shrugged.

"Only half of this money is mine, the rest is Tsunade-baasan's." a shoe came flying at him and clocked him in the face.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!" the Godaime screeched.

While this was going on, the field had already been narrowed down to Ayame, Kiba, Sasuke, and Neji (Ran and Yuki had been easily dispatched). It was at this point that the tarp was pulled off the large, square object revealing a large tank full of piranhas…

"RELEASE THE PIRANHAS!" Tsunade ordered with a flourish.

"THE HELL?" screamed the genins, who were still standing on the water. Izumo and Kotetsu tipped the tank over and the contents spilled into the pond.

"I QUIT!" Ayame yelled, running towards the shore. Unfortunately for her, the jounins who were acting as referees were having none of this and so she settled for jumping onto Kiba's shoulders.

"HEY!" protested the Inuzuka, who was desperately trying to escape the carnivorous fish.

"I'm not getting my legs eaten off!" wailed the female genin.

Neji and Sasuke had decided to put their previous training (See Shinobi's Guide to Training for details) to use and were grabbing piranhas out of the water and throwing them at each other.

"Eat fish, girly man!" Sasuke threw piranha after piranha at the Hyuuga. Neji, unable to use Kaiten to defend himself had to restrict himself to Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken but seemed to have the upper hand as his Jyuuken training only enhanced the Amaguriken. Sasuke was soon spending more time pulling piranhas off of his body than throwing them at Neji.

Meanwhile, Kiba was desperately trying to get Ayame off of him. Unfortunately, not only was the girl strong she was ridiculously flexible and had somehow managed to literally wrap herself around his waist like a human belt. The fact that he had to dodge the piranhas that kept leaping out of the water was not helping. Eventually, he had enough.

"AAAH SCREW IT!" yelled Kiba, suddenly stopping the flow of chakra to his feet and dropping into the water. All was quiet for a moment as everyone was trying to figure out if the boy had lost it when… "AAAAGH! BACK! BACK! DOWN!" Kiba erupted from the water (sans Ayame) punching and kicking piranhas. A few seconds later Ayame appeared, desperately wrenching piranhas from her flesh.

The jounin's on the sidelines were called in to get all the genins out of the water as it was clear that the event was over. However, whether Kiba or Ayame was disqualified was in question.

"Well Hokage-sama, how are we going to call this one?" asked Genma. "Technically Kiba willingly eliminated himself."

"True…"mused Tsunade. "but Ayamae was clinging to his waist at the time so she was all the way in the water before he was. Anyway, with the primary out of the way we can move on. Shizune, draw up another toteboard. Put the odds on Uchiha and Hyuuga at 20:5 and odds on Inuzuka at 3:1."

"Tsunade-sama…" wailed Shizune. "Betting on an election is illegal."

"Who's Hokage here? Now, where's Naruto with my money…"

_Next chapter, we get to the true politricks: party names, campaign slogans, kissing babies, and if you guys are good, we might start the smear campaigns. Those of you who bet on Kiba, Neji, and Sasuke go hit Tsunade up for your money._

1) Basically if you bet on Neji or Sasuke you'd get five dollars for every three you bet on them if they managed to get through this thing, eight dollars for every six you bet on Kiba, and two dollars for every dollar you bet on one of the other three genins (the reason the payoff is so low on the relative unknowns is because no one really expects them to beat Kiba, Sasuke, and Neji).


	3. Chapter 3

"Dark side holla!"

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

The day after the farce the Hokage called a candidacy selection Kiba, Neji, and Sasuke were too beat up to do anything. They spent the day resting, putting bandages on their various bites, and making plots as to how they were going to eliminate the competition.

All this gave the self-appointed media the chance to begin speculation on how this race was going to go and the village to wonder who let Konohamaru and his friends into the radio room.

"Good afternoon, and welcome to Let's Talk with the Konohamaru Corp.!" Konohamaru was grinning ear to ear as he talked into the microphone. "I'm Konohamaru and with me in the studio are my friends Moegi and Udon and our special guest commentator, Political Analyst, Akamaru!" The white dog barked. "Yesterday's battle was something that will not soon be forgotten."

"Especially not with all the pictures we took!" Moegi added cheerfully.

"But now it's time for us to get down to the tough stuff. The true battle, the battle for the hearts and minds of the people!"

"Actually it's just the ninja that get to vote." Sniffed Udon.

"Well…ninja are people too. Anyway, Akamaru here is going to weigh in on his thoughts as to how this election will go. First off, Akamaru, what's do you think of Neji's chances."

Akamaru cocked his head to the side for a moment and then gave a long, low whine followed by a series of grunts.

"Mm hmm. I see." Hummed Konohamaru.

"What did he say?" asked Udon.

"I have no idea."

There was a loud crash as Moegi and Udon fell out of their chairs.

"Konohamaru…" they groaned.

"Let's take some calls!" hedged Konohamaru. "Hi, you're on the air."

"Konohamaru, aren't you supposed to be in school?" it was Ebisu's voice. (1)

"Er…election-related questions only please!" he went to another line. "Next caller!"

"Who let you kids in the studio?" this voice was unfamiliar.

"Next caller!"

"Akamaru! What are you doing over there? You're supposed to be helping me strategize!" Kiba this time. "And secondly, what do you mean "if I lock Sasuke and Neji in a closet I may have a chance?" Whose side are you on?"

"BARK!" said Akamaru.

"Yes I know you can't vote so you technically can't have a side, but that doesn't mean you get to bash me…" Kiba adopted a suspicious tone. "This is because I put you on a diet isn't it?"

"GRRRR! ARF!"

"Well I'm sorry but it's not healthy for you to weigh that much at your age!"

"Candidate Inuzuka," Konohamaru decided to interrupt. "Inquiring minds want to know, if you are elected Genin of the Year, what do you plan to do? What are your goals?"

"So glad you asked…"

BA-CRACK! Somebody kicked in the door.

"AH HA! I FOUND YOU!"

"GAH! IRUKA-SENSEI!" yelped Konohamaru. Scuffling sounds could be heard over the airwaves as he struggled to get away.

"Don't you "Iruka-sensei" me, you're supposed to be in class!" scolded Iruka.

"Ow ow ow! My ear! This is child abuse!"

"You're a ninja, there's no such thing."

In the mission hall of the Hokage Tower, there was a board showing each candidates chances of winning the election being manned by off-duty chuunin. Currently Sasuke was favored to win with Neji a close second. Off to the side, Anko was taking bets and scaring the crap out of random genin on their way to their D-Rank missions.

The next day the candidates, feeling very much refreshed, gathered their teams to start planning their campaign. They knew it was nothing more than a glorified popularity contest, and both Neji and Kiba knew that Sasuke has the fangirl vote but since only the shinobi were permitted to vote that limited the fangirls to genin (and a few girls from Neji's year that made chuunin).

Sasuke was trying very hard not to groan as Ino and Sakura argued on the best way to approach the campaign. Sakura was saying that Sasuke ought to begin by showing the voters just how responsible he was by taking on some extra missions; Ino thought Sasuke should be letting everyone know what he's all about by holding a press conference. Sasuke was trying to figure out how he'd got talked into letting them manage his campaign in the first place.

Akamaru still wasn't talking to Kiba, and since Hinata was supporting Neji (after all, he is a Hyuuga and it would not look good for a Main House member to appear to be spurning a Branch House Member in a political situation), and Shino was… come to think of it, he hadn't seen Shino since this thing started.

"What the heck is he doing?" he wondered aloud.

Lee had dragged TenTen into helping Neji with his campaign because "supporting your teammates is the way of the Spirit of Youth". Neji, although grateful for the assistance, was not too sure about allowing Lee to be involved in any political process. Especially since his first idea was to hand out green spandex suits with "Vote for Neji" sewed on the back in bright green letters. Luckily TenTen put the kibosh on that plan before it even got off the ground, citing that they were running a fiscally responsible campaign and embroidered spandex was expensive.

Elsewhere in the village, two people were meeting in secret. Well, not really in secret since they were actually sitting in plain sight eating squid on a stick.

"So…" the first one said conversationally. "Why did you call me out here?"

"Well, since you are no longer in the running Ayame… can I call you Ayame? I thought you Ran and Yuki would like to make a little money?"

"I don't know…"

"Hey if you help me out you won't have to do any stupid D-Rank missions while this competition is going on. As an added bonus, you get to humiliate the candidates that are still in the running."

"You've got yourself a deal."

_Just who was Ayame talking to? What is this mystery person planning and just who are they working for if anyone? Will Akamaru forgive Kiba? Will Neji kill Lee? Will Sasuke kill Sakura and Ino? Will I ever stop asking these questions that may or may not have answers? Will you stick around for another week to find out?_

1) I'm thinking he finally stopped calling him "Honorable Grandson".


	4. Chapter 4

Wandering Gunslinger: Asexual Uchiha and the Fate Bitch sounds like the name of a band. (Ooh! Plot bunny a go go…) By the way, you made me laugh so hard with your review my cousin thought I was having a seizure.

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

You can fool most of the people most of the time, and some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time; but you don't need to fool all of the people just most of them. And right now, Uchiha Sasuke was attempting to fool as many shinobi as he could into thinking he is a decent human being. Pardon me while I laugh uproariously…

Ow. I think I pulled something. Anyway let's join Sasuke and his fangirls cum campaign managers as they attempt to inspire confidence in the Uchiha campaign wagon.

Ino was holding a sign that said "A Vote for Uchiha is a Vote for the Future." Sakura was standing behind a small booth where a couple of genins were lined up to ask questions. Sasuke was off to the side trying to look dignified but instead wound up looking constipated (which may or may not be the same thing).

"What do you mean by "A Vote for the Future?"" asked the genin.

"Oh, well should he be elected Genin of the Year, Sasuke has promised to step up his efforts toward his goal of reviving the Uchiha clan! With more Uchiha in the village it would only make us stronger and ensure that we thrive well into the future!" explained Sakura, a disturbing smile on her face. Several fangirls in the line had the same expression on their faces.

Sasuke didn't feel it necessary to correct her. When he said he was going to step up his efforts toward reviving the Uchiha clan, it meant he was going to work harder to kill Itachi so he can get on with that secondary goal.

Half truths and word manipulation, it seems he's already become a stage one politician.

A chuunin suddenly walked up with a bundle in her arms and shoved it into Sasuke's hands. Surprised, he almost dropped it.

"Kiss my baby!" giggled the chuunin. Sasuke's eyes widened as he held the bundle up at arms length to get a better look at it.

"Wha…"

There was a sudden flash of light and everyone looked to see where it came from, but were immediately distracted when the baby started to cry. Sasuke awkwardly rocked it.

"Um…there, there?"

"Aagh! You made my baby cry! You big meanie!" the chuunin snatched her baby away and suddenly ran off.

Silence reigned over the small scene.

"Well, that was weird." Said a genin in the queue.

The seemingly mad chuunin with the baby continued to run until she got to a dark alley. Quickly she ducked in and leaned against the wall as the giggling fit she had been holding in bubbled from her lips. A puff of smoke and Wataro Ayame holding a backpack stood there. She heard a dull thud as a figure jumped off of the roof and joined her in the alley.

"Hi Yuki!" grinned Ayame.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself." Said Yuki.

"Hey, this is the most fun I've had since watching that Naruto kid pummel Neji. Did you get the picture or not?" Wordlessly, Yuki held up the Polaroid. Ayame started laughing again. "Come on, let's go find Ran, he'll want to see this too."

Outside the Hokage Tower, Kiba was handing out official Inuzuka Campaign jackets. Where he got the money and the time to make them will remain a mystery (cough cheap manual labor in Wave Country cough shoddy manufacturing techniques cough cough). "Hi there, nice day isn't it? Vote for me!" Kiba said, quickly handing a jacket to a genin.

"Hey, this is too big for me!" whined the genin.

"You'll grow." Said Kiba. "Hi! Cool shirt! Vote for me!" He handed another jacket to another genin.

He continued to hand out shirts until suddenly someone ran into him, knocking him down. Before he could demand an apology the person was already halfway down the street. Frowning, Kiba got up and dusted himself off. As he bent over to brush the dirt off of his pants, he noticed a large envelope. He picked it up and looked at it.

"Hey! You dropped something!" and he chased after the fleeing figure that was pretending not to have heard him.

The chase itself was short and rather bland, and it ended in an alley behind a lingerie store.

"Finally caught up to you." Panted Kiba. The person he had been chasing, now revealed to be a boy in a red hoodie turned around and took his headphones off.

"Sorry man, I couldn't hear ya." Said the boy.

"Yeah, well you dropped this." He handed the boy the envelope. There were several brief flashes of light followed quickly by another. Kiba looked around to see where they had come from but couldn't determine the point of origin. "Wha…Hey did you see…" he started to ask but the boy was gone and the envelope had been replaced by a lacy pink bra. "AAAGH!" he threw the offending undergarment into a nearby garbage can and ran off.

When he was gone, two figures started cracking up on the roof of the lingerie shop.

"Two down, one to go." One figure said gleefully. "Thank you for your assistance, Ran.

"That was actually kinda fun." Ran grinned, dispelling the henge he had been using and adjusting his hat.

"I'll go take the pictures back to our base so Shino can get started. In the meantime, go round up Yuki and Ayame and see if they got the other picture."

And indeed they had, although they did have a hard time losing Lee when he chased them. Damn but that boy can run.

Shino, sat behind a desk next to a scanner. "I don't believe we should be doing this." He said to the figure in the corner.

"Shino, as the Editor in Chief of this magazine what I say goes. Leave the moral issues to me. Besides, we have the Hokage's permission."

"But turning genin into paparazzi?"

"Think of it as additional training."

"You're an evil man Hatake Kakashi."

"Soon to be a rich evil man if this works." said Kakashi. "Now are you done running those pictures through Photoshop yet?"

_I bet you guys thought Naruto was behind all this! Ha! Naruto has other things to do. __Somehow the OCs have wormed their way back into this story after I tried so hard to get rid of them. More conspiracy next chapter!_


	5. Chapter 5

You liars! You said there would be bacon!

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

The following morning, several late risers were awoken by killing intent and one horrified scream. Upon further investigation there were two sources of killing intent: Uchiha Sasuke and Hyuuga Neji. The scream was Inuzuka Kiba being pummeled by his older sister. The reasons? Well…

"I can't believe this…this…trash!" growled Sasuke, holding the magazine open in his shaking hands. Page three of the newly established Konoha Inquirer had an article entitled, "Uchiha Sasuke Eats Babies!" with the picture of him with his mouth open and a baby held in a rather incriminating position. "That's _not_ what happened!"

Neji was in a similar predicament as on the fifth page (following a rather lengthy review of Icha Icha Paradise Volume 5) was a picture of himself cuddling his blanket (see Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Heirlooms for details); the caption read: Neji Hyuuga is insecure and has bad taste in blankets. He spent the rest of the day hiding in his closet to avoid being laughed at by the public (which ultimately proved futile because the entire Hyuuga Clan could see him and laugh at them from their own rooms).

Poor Kiba had to endure Sisterly Wrath from Hana as his front page article claimed that he was buying women's undergarments on the black market. The incriminating picture took up half a page showing him looking around furtively while handing a hooded figure a thick envelope with one hand as the mystery person seemed to give him a pink bra. Worse, Akamaru was refusing to lend him any assistance as Hana's three dogs mauled him.

In an undisclosed location, Kakashi was very happy. "Now I understand why my sensei seemed to like this event so much. Scandal is fun!"

Shino didn't argue. Lying to get what you want is part of being a ninja after all but doing it at the expense of one's comrades offended his sensibilities. Although, they weren't lying about Neji and his blanket. They were all prepared to set him up as a peeping tom but instead stumbled on him hugging and cooing at his blanket like a child. Really, such behavior was unbecoming of a shinobi.

"What are you getting out of this Kakashi-sensei?" Shino asked.

"Hmm? Oh, Jiraiya promised to give me the next two Icha Icha books for free if I made this election more interesting." Shino gave an exasperated sigh which was more emotion than he'd shown in the last eight months.

Over in the Hokage Tower, Naruto was reading the Konoha Inquirer and pouting as he had lost his only piece of blackmail on Hyuuga Neji. Up until now he was the only one that knew Neji still had a security blanket.

"Naruto! Come here a moment!" Tsunade called the jinchuriki into her office. Naruto poked his head through the door.

"What do you want obaasan?" WHACK! He didn't even see her move when she got up to hit him.

"BRAT I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"Can you hear them? The angels, they're singing…"

Once Naruto had regained his senses (as much sense as he ever has anyway) Tsunade explained to him that he was to act as the referee for the Genin of the Year Press Conference.

Now you're probably wondering why you need a referee for a press conference. Well for starters, this is a ninja village. Stealth skills are very important during a mission, so to be caught on camera is quite disgraceful. During the preamble leading up to the press conference members of the self-proclaimed Konoha Photographers Association will be trying to take pictures of our candidates. The pictures must show a clear view of the candidates face and the candidate must not be blinking or blurred in any way. The pictures are to be taken while the candidates race to the designated interview area. The photographers who meet the requirements will be allowed into the interview area. As an added bonus, any photographer that manages to get a picture of all three candidates gets fifty thousand ryou.

The candidate that makes it to the interview area first is permitted to pick and choose which questions he or she will answer. If a candidate manages to make it to the interview area without being photographed not only gets to pick and choose which questions they will answer, but can actually ask questions of the other candidates (and they will have to answer).

The referees job first of all, is to screen the photographs and determine which reporters will be allowed into the interview area. They are also to ensure that the rules are enforced (which usually involves the use of violence).

While Naruto would be acting as referee, Shikamaru had been appointed as bookie for this particular event since Anko, Raido, and Genma were out on a mission, Shizune was outright refusing to help, Kakashi had to run the magazine and was preparing his crack squad of paparazzi for this event, Izumo and Kotetsu were manning the start and finish lines respectively, and Aoba and Gai were out setting traps for the candidates and the paparazzi (after all, it's too easy if there are no obstacles).

_Next week is the press conference. I pity the fools…_


	6. Chapter 6

Me reading a spider thread on Hee hee hee…(scrolls downt)…heheh….(scrolls down) AAAAAGH! (scrolls faster) Damn spider pictures…(reads post) Heheheh…(scrolls down) heheeh….(scrolls down) AAAAAAGH! (scrolls faster) AAAAAAAGH! (scrolls down even more) Geez…(reads post) AAAAAAAGH!

_That went on for a while until I finally got sick of being surprised/grossed out by spider pictures_._ I can't stand big spiders…_

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

Two o' clock in the morning Neji was being put through a warm-up routine courtesy of Lee.

"Just another one-hundred laps Neji and your Burning Flames of Youth will be ignited!" the bowl-cut boy cheered as he ran alongside his teammate.

"Lee…another hundred laps and I'll be too tired to run." Growled Neji.

"He's got a point Lee, he should stop now and eat this delicious breakfast." TenTen stated, holding up a tray. Neji stared at it like a ravenous wolf. "There's scrambled eggs, toast, orange slices, bacon, some oatmeal, and milk; a nutritional breakfast to give you plenty of energy."

Forgetting all decorum, Neji grabbed the tray, plopped down in front of a nearby boulder and started gorging himself. "Mmf…thankyouTenTen…mmmf…"

"Wow, he must be hungry."

"Oh, Hinata told me that Neji was so embarrassed from the tabloid article that he didn't come out of his closet until this morning." Lee explained. "I suppose that means he missed dinner."

"(sigh) The infamous Hyuuga pride strikes again. You know Neji, if you're not careful your arrogance will cost you the election." Chided TenTen. Neji ignored her and continued to wolf down his breakfast.

Five o' clock in the morning, Sasuke woke up, got dressed, had a light breakfast and then did some warm-up exercises. It wouldn't do to cramp up or throw up while he was trying to beat the other two candidates to the finish line. "Not that I have to worry about that, they're both slower than me." He thought.

Kiba was going through a similar routine by jogging through the village. Truth be told though, he wouldn't be up if Akamaru (who was _still_ mad about being put on "Puppy Craig") peed on his head.

Kakashi had been training his squad the day before with Shino looking on and wondering if the jounin had always been this ridiculous. Ran, Yuki, and Ayame were being trained in the ancient art of the Stalkerazzi (camera ninjas whose sole purpose is to embarrass high ranking officials and avoid being killed in the process). They had spent most of the time trying to photograph Shino as he ran through the woods. It didn't help that Shino was allowed to use his family's jutsus in order to up the difficulty.

Five minutes before eight a.m. and the candidates were lined up at the starting line with Izumo. Off to the side, Tsunade was taking last-minute bets.

"On your marks…" drawled Izumo as the boys got into their starting postitions. "Get set…G…"

"WAIT!" someone screeched causing the runners to fall on their faces. It was Konohamaru. "I've gotta get a picture for the Academy newspaper!"

"All right, but hurry up." Grumbled Izumo. Konohamaru fussed with his camera for a few moments before taking three pictures. "Are you done yet?"

"Yeah, yeah. Geez you're grouchy today…"muttered Konohamaru as he went back to the sidelines.

"Finally. Okay, on your marks…get set…GO!"

Neji, Sasuke, and Kiba took off at a breakneck pace. The race was on.

Since there was no set route as to how they were to reach the finish line each candidate took a different course.

Kiba decided to skirt through the woods around the training grounds, thinking that he'd have the advantage of his senses to detect his camera-crazy pursuers. Unfortunately he didn't count on their being literally hundreds of traps strewn throughout the village. Gai must've been feeling especially "youthful" that day. "AAH! BEES!" Kiba screamed as he was swarmed by the offending insects. If Shino had been there he would have told Kiba that those were not bees but hornets. Gai had set up the trap so that the hornets' nest would fall on whoever passed by.

The Inuzuka's problems were just beginning as two paparazzi-nins leapt out of the foliage and attempted to take his pictures.

"Gah! Get lost!" he yelled as he tried to avoid being stung and photographed at the same time.

Uchiha Sasuke ran through the Training Grounds knowing full well that the paparazzi would be upon him any minute. However, since he was only running through the training fields that were mostly open areas, he felt he had a better chance of seeing them before they could get into a decent position. Unfortunately he wasn't dealing with ordinary paparazzi.

"SASUKE-KUN!" squealed three of the seven crazed photographers that had started following. "WE LOVE YOU!"

No, these weren't ordinary paparazzi; these were FANGIRLS! In this situation there is only one solution: You run. You run your ass off.

Unlike the other two, Neji decided to throw caution to the wind and run through the village. While this did deter the photographers as they not only had to dodge the villagers milling about, the occasional errant clothesline, and a genin team chasing a certain cat, but every once in a while Neji would throw whatever he could get his hands on, having run out of kunai and shuriken a while ago. The Hyuuga was equally dismayed to note that not only was he being hounded by paparazzi, some of his own relatives were actually helping them by pointing out the traps and most of them were Branch House members!

"Korei! I see you over there! You're dead when I get home!" Neji called over his shoulder. The Hyuuga, now identified as Korei, stuck his tongue out at him. "Traitor!"

Back to Sasuke who had managed to trap two paparazzi in a pit trap (that for some strange reason was filled with lime Jello) only to end up in a snare trap, was covering his face with one hand while trying to get his leg free with the other. He'd be damned if he was going to let these idiots photograph him. Too bad he didn't count on one of the paparazzi being one of Kakashi's; namely Sadaharu Ran.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S UCHIHA ITACHI!" yelled Ran.

"ITACHI? WHERE IS THAT BASTARD? ITACHI! I'LL KILL YOU!" roared Sasuke, waving his hands in a futile effort to get free of the rope and giving the photographers a clear shot of his face. Realizing that he'd been had, Sasuke screamed angrily and renewed his efforts of getting free of the snare trap.

Ran was pleased. He didn't believe Kakashi when he told him that Sasuke went absolutely insane at the very mention of his brother's name but he was a believer now. Straightening his hat, he spoke into his communicator. "Kakashi-san, I have acquired the photograph of the Uchiha, what are my instructions?" He listened to the response, nodding to himself. "Understood, can you give me their location?" A pause. "On my way!" And he dashed off towards the village.

Kiba had managed to ditch all of his pursuers save for three; one of which was quickly becoming the bane of his existence: Wataro Ayame. The girl was relentless. Despite falling into nineteen traps (four of which had low-grade explosives) and almost being beaten down by a fellow paparazzo while attempting to snap a photo, Ayame was _still_ chasing him as if they'd just started. He prayed that she never met Gai, or there might be another Green Beast running around the village in skin-tight spandex. He glanced over his shoulder to look at her. On second thought, that might not be such a bad thing… Ayame wasn't that bad-looking. "As long as she doesn't cut her hair and start going on about "The Flames of Youth" that is." Muttered Kiba.

Asataka Yuki was having a field day. He'd manage to bribe four of the Branch House Hyuuga into helping him get Neji's picture. They'd herd him into the designated area and once they had him trapped, he'd get his photograph and meet up with the others. He was surprised when Ran showed up to lend him assistance, having managed to photograph the broody Uchiha. After letting him in on the plan, they got to work.

Unfortunately for them, Neji isn't nearly as easy to bait as the Uchiha and had quickly caught on that they were trying to trap him; something that the other Hyuuga picked up on as well. After a brief consultation with Kakashi Yuki and Ran decided that it was time to fight dirty.

"Surrender Neji!" Yuki yelled. "Or we will be forced to do horrible things to your blanket!"

"You're bluffing!" Neji yelled back as he continued to run.

"We're not! We have a connection in the Hyuuga compound waiting to destroy your blanket should you fail to comply!"

"I don't believe you!"

"Have it your way…" Yuki spoke into his communicator. "This is A.Y., the Hyuuga has refused to cooperate. Commence Operation: En Fuego."

"Operation WHAT?"

"It means we set your blanket on fire and throw it into Hanabi's room."

"NOOOOOO! STOP! I'LL LET YOU TAKE MY PICTURE! JUST DON'T BURN MY BLANKET!" Neji did an about face and started running towards them in a panic. Calmly, Ran raised his camera and took Neji's picture.

"Thank you Candidate Hyuuga, you've been most helpful." Grinned Yuki and he and Ran made themselves scarce.

"YOU BASTARDS! YOU TRICKED ME!" raged Neji as the scoundrels ran off. He didn't get the opportunity to chase after them as the rest of the paparazzi had shown up to get their shots in.

"Give up you'll only get photographed sweaty!(1)" Ayame called to Kiba.

"NEVER!" Kiba shouted.

"Then you leave me no choice…" she started doing a series of handseals and then… "Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Stalkerazzi Vultures!"

"Stalkerazzi WHAT?"

The summoning contract for the Stalkerazzi Vultures is actually quite easy to obtain, in fact you can buy one practically anywhere in Kaze no Kuni and a few places in Ishi no Kuni. The thing about this contract, however is that each one is one-time-only; once you use it, it expires and you'd need to acquire another one. Fortunately, they are very cheap to obtain because there is really only one use for them…

Kiba was surrounded by a flock of camera-wielding vultures, each one uglier than the last. Words cannot describe their hideousness. He was so overwhelmed by the sheer unattractiveness of the birds that he could only blink in surprise when the cameras started going off, blinding him.

A few seconds and it was all over.

At the finish line, Kotetsu and Naruto waited patiently for the candidates and the paparazzi to arrive. They'd been there an hour and forty-eight minutes when Ran, Ayame, and Yuki came running up followed by fifteen other paparazzi. Naruto had them line up off to the side so he could examine their Poloroids.

Sasuke showed up next, followed shortly by Kiba, and finally Neji who immediately tried to kill Kakashi's minions upon spotting them but was restrained by four of Naruto's Kage Bunshin.

Of all the photographers only Kakaashi's group, and four others had managed to get decent photos. Once the candidates had been sufficiently calmed, they each took a place on the stage behind podiums. Naruto stood off to the side.

"Okay everyone, we will only allow questions at this time. Accusations and general verbal abuse will have to wait until this is over." Said Naruto. There were a few disappointed "aw's" before the assembled reporters went quiet again. "All right let's get started." Immediately reporters started raising their hands. "You there, the guy in the purple shirt." The indicated person grinned.

"Ah, yes, I'm Raburo Kenta of the Konohagakure Tribune. Uchiha Sasuke, Inquiring minds want to know: is it true that you eat babies?"

"No it is not!" fumed Sasuke. "And whoever spread such a ridiculous lie will boil!" Murmurs went through the crowd as the reporters wrote this down. Naruto pointed to another reporter.

"Takayanagi Norumaru of the Fire Gazette: Hyuuga Neji, in light of Blanketgate do you still think that you have a chance at being nominated Genin of the Year?"

"It is well-known that all shinobi have their own methods to deal with the trauma of seeing death every day." Neji replied placidly. "It is a well-known fact that Sasuke's sensei reads Icha Icha Paradise in public so that he doesn't think about whatever seems to plague his mind. My security blanket is the least of your worries."

"Next question…er…you in the red mini skirt…"

"Juunichi Fuu: The Daily Blaze: Inuzuka Kiba, how long have you been buying women's undergarments on the black market and why?"

"I HAVEN'T!" barked Kiba. "It was a setup!"

"So you're saying the photograph was staged?"

"Of course it was and when I find out who's behind it they'll wish I'd only boiled them."

"I see…" Naruto scanned the small crowd.

"You with the ponytail."

"Mataza Eikin: Suna Guardian…" he sniffed. Everyone wondered what a Suna genin was doing there. "Uchiha Sasuke, do you eat the babies raw or do you use some kind of seasoning?"

"WEREN'T YOU LISTENING? I DON'T EAT BABIES!" Sasuke screamed.

"Uuuh…the kid in the hat over there." Naruto pointed.

"Heh, Sadaharu Ran: Konoha Inquirer…"

"YOU!" yelled the candidates and made to attack the reporter only to be restrained by Naruto's Kagebunshin.

"You can't attack the press!" they said.

"Let me go! He's with the ones who slandered my good name!" growled Kiba.

While the candidates struggled to free themselves and exact revenge, the press was furiously scribbling notes and the trio from the Konoha Inquirer slipped out of the press conference.

No one was able to get Kiba, Neji, and Sasuke to calm down so the press conference had to be ended early. Iruka made quite a bit of money, having bet that the press conference wouldn't even last an hour. Naruto, and by extension Tsunade, also made a bundle as everyone had thought that no one would be able to Sasuke and Neji on film while they had bet that all three candidates would be photographed successfully.

The next day the fall-out from the disastrous event hit full force as all the daily newspapers touted all three candidates as madmen. However, most of them did credit Neji of at least being more sane than the other two (seriously, who threatens to boil people?). Kiba and Sasuke would have to step up their efforts to win back voter confidence.

_Next week: A parade, a rally, and more scandal!_

1) Most of you know this line as "Give up, you'll only die tired."


	7. Chapter 7

"That does it. Tomorrow I'm calling in retarded." – Me to the concierge at work after my boss had me be a gopher for most of the day despite the fact that we have three messengers on staff.

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

"You have done well my minions." Kakashi congratulated his team on a job well-done while Shino doctored photographs in the background. "Ran, since Sasuke, Neji, and Kiba know that you're an Inquirer reporter we can use that to our advantage. You will essentially provide a distraction for Yuki and Ayame's exploits by stalking them outright while they stalk them from the shadows. This will have the added bonus of making them twitchy and paranoid."

"Won't that make them more cautious?" asked Ayame.

"Yes, but them being twitchy makes it a lot easier to portray them as insane."

With Naruto and Tsunade, the younger blonde was counting their money while the elder lounged behind her paperwork.

"I'd say we made more than enough to cover my tab and start a new one!" Grinned the Godaime.

"Especially after you sold the good photos to fangirls and the Konoha Inquirer." Naruto pointed out.

"It was necessary." Tsunade said loftily. Naruto snorted. "What are you going to do with you share of the money?"

"I'm going to save it so I can afford to get a better apartment, maybe even a house!"

"Wow, that's surprisingly responsible of you."

"Well the cupboards in my apartment are kinda small and I need more space to put my ramen."

"…I should've known."

Out in the village proper Kiba was putting up flyers advertising a political rally he was going to be holding in the village square in two days (there would be free food , drinks, and Kiba campaign jackets for all). Following the press conference he'd asked Genma (a prior Genin of the Year) how to win back the adoration of the people.

"People love free things." Genma had said. "If you give them stuff and promise them more once you've been elected you're bound to gain supporters."

His mother had suggested he hold the rally as an open-air event usually got a lot of crowds, and when a crowd gathers for any reason it always attracts the curious. The only thing he needed to do was get a permit from the Hokage's office and had that been a pain in the ass.

_Four hours earlier…_

"Eh? Naruto why are you here?" the Inuzuka asked.

"And you call me stupid?" Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "Tsunade-baba is too busy with normal business to deal with this Genin of the Year stuff so she's making me do it. I've been on the event committee since it started."

"You? Couldn't she get Shikamaru or someone competent?"

"You'd better watch it Kiba, comments like that aren't going to get you elected." Naruto's smile was malicious. "What would people say if they heard you talking like that?"

"I guess we'll never find out since they won't."

"Oh really?" the blonde held up a tape recorder; Kiba looked horrified. "Tell you what, since I'm such a generous guy I'd be willing to forgive that little reckless slip if you buy me ramen today."

"That's blackmail you manipulative bastard!" raged Kiba

"Tsk, tsk such language… by the way I'm still recording this conversation which I intend to edit and make you sound even worse. So how about it? Ramen in exchange for one less piece of dirt on your record?"

"Fine…" ground out Kiba.

"Good!" Naruto gave him a 100 watt smile. "So, I'm sure you didn't come here just to buy me lunch. What can I do for you?" Kiba was going to say "erase that tape" but thought better of it. Instead he asked for the application for a permit to use the village square for his rally. Naruto nodded, ducked under the desk and produced a small stack of forms.

"What the hell is all this?" gaped Kiba.

"Oh, those are the application forms to apply for the permit application form. Oh and you have to fill them out in quadruplicate."

"Say what!"

He'd spent almost two hours filling out those forms only to have Naruto tell him that he'd incorrectly filled out two of them and had to start all over again. Seething and cursing he'd filled out the stack which Naruto took his time inspecting with a magnifying glass before finally letting him have the public assembly form.

"Okay, everything seems to be in order." Naruto said, putting the form away and getting up. "Well, let's get going!"

"Wait a minute! What about my permit?" wailed Kiba.

"It's time for my lunch break, you can have your permit after you buy me lunch."

"AARGH!"

After emptying Kiba's wallet and filling Naruto's belly, they went back to the Hokage's office and Naruto gave Kiba the permit (which is just as well because he had already had the flyers made and everything). Just as Naruto was getting re-settled at his temporary desk, who should come striding in but Sasuke.

"What are you doing here, dobe?" asked the Uchiha.

"Teme, I'm on the event committee for the Genin of the Year elections."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah it is so! Now is there something you need or are you going to waste my time some more?"

"Hmph, I need a parade permit." Naruto, although smiling, looked rather sinister. Sasuke was beginning to wonder if he shouldn't have sent Sakura and Ino here to get the permit instead of sticking around to start making the parade float with his fangirls (and then immediately thought "what am I thinking?"). "What?" Still grinning that disturbing smile, Naruto reached behind his desk and after rifling around for a few minutes, pulled out a cardboard box full of forms. "What the hell is all that?"

"This is the application to apply for the parade permit application form." Chirruped Naruto. "In quadruplicate please!" Sasuke twitched which only got worse as he filled out the form. While he was doing that, Neji was dealing with a nuisance of his own…

He had been followed by the same short man in a trench coat and floppy hat for the better part of the morning and he was getting very annoyed. What did this person want? TenTen and Lee had noticed but since the person was just following them and not leaking killing intent, they figured he was just some Neji-obsessed civilian (how they figure this is not a bad thing I don't know); there were a lot of those around lately.

"Just ignore him Neji." TenTen said reassuringly as Neji ground his teeth. "He's not really doing anything except following you everywhere you go."

"Yosh, you mustn't let your Passionate Flames of Youth be dampened by stalkers!" Lee agreed. "I know! Let us go have lunch and discuss strategy!"

A few feet away, Ran was fighting against all his ninja training and trying to be as conspicuously inconspicuous (does that even make sense?) as possible. As far as he could tell, it was working as Gai's team had not noticed Yuki at all. He continued to follow his quarry, making a note to duck behind skinny light poles and food carts whenever one of them turned around.

"He's still following us." Growled Neji after they had ordered. Sure enough, their stalker was sitting a few tables away doing a poor job of hiding behind his menu. "Honestly, who does he think he's fooling?"

"I'm going to the ladies room." Said TenTen, getting up to leave. Unfortunately for her, a waiter just happened to be passing at the same time and accidentally tripped her; she fell in a rather compromising position onto Neji.

Ran was ecstatic. This was exactly the kind of thing they had been waiting for. Ayami and Yuki, who were sticking to the ceiling waiting for just this sort of opportunity, took advantage of everyone's state of shock/titillation/embarrassment and took numerous photographs from different angles. Ran also took a few pictures as a front, making completely certain that Neji saw him. As he made a break for the door…

"Hey! You're that guy from the Inquirier! Get back here!" yelled Neji, disengaging himself from TenTen and giving chase to the badly disguised paparazzo. Ran, not waiting for him to catch up, tore out of the restaurant like the Devil himself was after him. Unfortunately Neji runs a lot faster when he's angry and not only beat him to a bloody pulp but completely destroyed the camera and the film; in the end, it would do him no good.

Two days later, the candidates had their events which did not go without incident. Kiba's rally was going fine until Akamaru and some other dogs showed up in protest. They had signs around their necks and sandwich boards on their backs that demanded "Real Food Now", to "Let the Alpo Flow", and "Meat not Wheat".

Sasuke's parade was a disaster as a horde of fangirls (and that creepy fanboy) decided that now would be a good time to ambush and molest him. Ino and Sakura tried to defend the Uchiha's dubious honor but to no avail. The raven-haired avenger was forced to flee in his underwear having lost both his shorts and shirt to the horde.

Neji, held a private press conference and was immediately bombarded with questions concerning his illicit and torrid relationship with TenTen and whether or not she had any involvement in Blanketgate.

With things going the way they were, no one was completely certain who was going to be elected Genin of the Year. The tabloids (since nobody pays attention to real newspapers during the political season) were saying the Kiba is a closet-pervert and a tyrant, Sasuke has cannibalistic tendencies and is a womanizer, and Neji may be doing the horizontal tango under his blanket with TenTen (which is the real reason he's always hugging it). Kakashi was loving every minute of it and with the debates coming up next week he'd have even more fun driving the genin's crazy.


	8. Chapter 8

Explanation for the Befuddled: Blanketgate is the term being used for the scandal revolving around Neji and his blanket (which now unfortunately includes TenTen).

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

An excited crowd of spectators filled the arena stands in anticipation of what was going to be a lively debate. Once again Tsunade and her merry band of profiteers were taking bets for the various pools:

First and foremost was who would win this debate. As you may have guessed this is anything but a normal debate. In a normal debate, questions are asked and participants have to defend their positions. In a ninja debate (because a really good ninja communicates through actions) the candidates have to defend their positions from attackers (debate was just a word they used to keep the civilians out as nobody wants to watch a bunch of teenagers arguing). Last man standing and still conscious (because one year a candidate had been declared victor by mistake when he had fainted standing up) is the victor.

The other bets were far more unorthodox and had more to do with the audience. For instance there was one on whether or not there would be a streaker this year.

Naruto was especially pleased at being permitted to sit in the Hokage's Box for this event. Not only did he have the best view but he could throw things at the candidates without fear of retaliation.

Down on the arena floor Sasuke was glaring at Neji and Kiba, Neji was using his Byakugan to search the crowd for Konoha Inquirer reporters (and traitorous branch house Hyuugas), and Kiba was wondering what kind of questions they would be asked.

Tsunade gave a short opening speech and all Hell broke loose. All sorts of things rained down from the stands as the three genin tried to beat the crap out of each other while dodging the various objects being hurled at them by the spectators/pseudo-political assassins. Nobody predicted Akamaru and the same dogs from before showing up to attack Kiba, or for Naruto to employ Crack-in-the Box no Jutsu (1) to further complicate matters, but the most surprising thing was when somebody accidentally threw Hinata into the arena and she beat the hell out of all three candidates in her frantic attempt to escape. She was declared the winner as the rules said nothing about non-candidates.

After regaining consciousness, Sasuke walked home enraged that he had been defeated by a Hyuuga; and Hinata of all Hyuugas. "This day couldn't possibly get any worse…" He was suddenly grabbed from behind and he was about to kick the perpetrator when…

"Your ass is mine." Hissed a very familiar voice. "Kukukukukukuku!" There was only one person in the world who laughed like that. Sasuke abruptly turned around and came face to face with Orochimaru.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed the Uchiha as he was carried off like a sack of potatoes (a sack of potatoes that screamed like a girl and cursed like a sailor).

"This is the most expressive I've ever seen him." Thought the kidnapper. "And Jiraiya was right, pretending to be Orochimaru is fun! Creepy, but fun! (2)"

Sasuke continued to panic and curse and almost didn't notice when "Orochimaru" had stopped running, but he did notice when the man started cradling him in his arms and cooing in his ear. This was a bit too much for the dark-haired lad and he went into shock.

"Oh darn I was hoping he'd carry on for a bit longer…" pouted "Orochimaru".

"Kakashi-sachou…" Yuki popped up out of a nearby bush. "if you're done playing around can I take the picture?"

"Wait a second, just let me adjust Sasuke a little bit… okay now."

_FLASH_

"Kukukuku…."

"Kakashi-sachou…please don't do that, it's creepy…."

The next morning…

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Uchiha Sasuke has illicit meeting with Orochimaru!" yelled the paper boy. Sasuke, who was on his way to the Hokage's Office to demand a re-match, stopped walking and grabbed a newspaper.

"WHAT THE FU…"

"Hey, that's five cents, pal." deadpanned the paperboy. Absently, Sasuke handed him the money as he seethed at the offending article accompanied by an incredibly racy picture of himself and Orochimaru.

"Those bastards…I'll kill them…"

Around the same time, Kiba was thinking on capitalizing on the avenger's misfortune, deciding to pay a call to Sarutobi Hachiko (2).

Hiashi Hyuuga was meeting with both Hinata and Neji in the living room; his face unreadable as he observed the two teenagers in front of him. Hinata fidgeted and shot apologetic looks at her cousin, Neji continued to stare at Hiashi and absently rub the left side of his face. The bruising and swelling was rather bad; damn but Hinata had a mean right hook. Hiashi took a deep breath and…

"Hinata! I've never been so proud of you!" he glomped his eldest daughter, crying waterfalls of tears (3). "You are indeed a proud member of the Hyuuga Clan!"

Hinata's face sported many different emotions. Confusion, unadulterated happiness, and fear.

"Neji…" Hiashi turned to his nephew, suddenly no longer imitating Niagara Falls. "Do not be disheartened by this defeat. After all, you were able to outlast both Kiba and Sasuke during the melee and to show up an Uchiha is indeed a plus for the Hyuuga clan. I want you to know that I support your effort to become Genin of the Year, and I wish you the best of luck…you're going to need it."

Neji wasn't sure what to say to that.

1) See Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu

2) If you're confused, go read Shinobi's Guide to Television again.

3) Think Soun Tendo from Ranma 1/2


	9. Chapter 9

Wandering Gunslinger: The WTF? aura is exactly what I was going for in that last chapter. My life sucked for ten days before that chapter was written and that WTF? aura is mostly what I had been feeling every day (only it was bad WTF? not good WTF? P43ar my Flipmode WTF no Jutsu!)

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

Tsunade didn't usually grin like the cat that had just eaten the canary when people barge into her office demanding justice, but here were all three candidates standing in front of her desk each accusing the other one of slander and also demanding the head of the Editor in Chief of the Konoha Inquirer.

To be honest, she didn't have a clue who was running that rag and she didn't really care. The articles may have been exaggerated but they were damn funny and she usually read it behind her mounds of paperwork. Shizune has not yet caught on to this and she hopes that her assistant never does.

At any rate, while most of the strife can be attributed to the Konoha Inquirer, some of it fell squarely on the shoulders of Inuzuka Kiba and Sarutobi Hachiko for their attack ads on Sasuke and Neji.

Rewind to yesterday afternoon when Neji was sitting in his room watching television with his blanket:

"Ooh…it's a new fabric softener." Hummed Neji, blanket wrapped snuggly around him. "And it's even lemon scented. Perhaps I should buy some tomorrow…" Then this came on:

"The position of Genin of the Year: a touted honor for those of us who spend our days chasing cats, (a shot of Team 8 chasing Tora through the village), performing yard work (a picture of Team 8 and Kurenai raking a yard), and generally assisting the community at large (an image of Team 8 lugging groceries for an old woman). While some of us take our status very seriously others seem to think that there time is better spent having indecent affairs with S-Class criminals (the picture of Sasuke and Orochimaru from the tabloid) and participating in underage drinking (a picture of Neji and his team at a restaurant, it looks like Neji is reaching for a bottle of sake on the table). Vote Inuzuka Kiba for Genin of the Year. Inuzuka Kiba: The Responsible Choice."

"Why that dirty little…" growled Neji, wrapping the blanket even tighter around himself.

Sasuke was having similar thoughts when he saw this ad after getting out of the shower:

"Hyuuga Neji and Uchiha Sasuke would like you to believe that they are deserving of being Genin of the Year but can you really trust them? Hyuuga Neji has not given up his murderous intentions towards his fellow clan members, even going so far as to threaten Branch House Hyuugas who have been know to side with the Main House! (stock footage of the Press Conference race and audio of Neji threatening to kill the Hyuugas that keep trying to sabotage him). There is also the matter of his relationship with his teammate, TenTen. Uchiha Sasuke claims to be a pillar of the community, but he has been known to cross-dress (picture of him in the dress from Shinobi's Guide to Television) and seems to have a fetish for dark-haired missing-nin (pictures of Itachi and Orochimaru). Inuzuka Kiba: Not a treasonous sex fiend."

"That bastard is dead…" raged the Uchiha, stomping out of the house. A few seconds later he stomped back inside to put on some clothes.

Lest you think that Kiba got away unscathed, Sakura and Ino had taken it upon themselves to launch an attack ad of their own, a half hour television special extolling the merits of Sasuke's lineage and his accomplishments (mostly involving how well he did at the Academy) and railing against the "uncouth" Inuzuka and the "arrogant" Hyuuga.

The day after that Neji launched a counter-attack ad focusing mainly on Kiba's bathing habits (or lack thereof) and his penchant for having Akamaru pee on people. He also took the opportunity to point out that "Sasuke is a red-eyed emo and cannot be trusted" on the radio and made claims that the Uchiha is also a closet panty thief.

Sasuke, naturally incensed, managed to bribe Naruto (all the ramen he can eat for a month) to impersonate Neji for a day. The jinchuriki spent most of it dancing on top of the Hokage monument in boxer shorts with a blanket on his head and a kagebunshin in Sexy no Jutsu (bikini babe version). The rest was spent ranting about the Main House. Neji himself had been tied up and locked in a closet the entire time.

The Konoha Inquirer, of course, got pictures of "Neji" and his buxom cohort and it was all over the village by the evening. A lot more mudslinging followed, both literal and figurative. Although everyone agreed that the mud wrestling that occurred during the former was far more interesting; especially when Sasuke's fanclub got involved and some kunoichis had to break it up. Jiraiya got lots of "research" done that day.

Anyway, now each candidate was demanding that the other pay for the irreparable damage to their reputations.

"Welcome to the world of politics boys." Sighed Tsunade. "I'm afraid I can't help you since most of the problems you cited are caused by yourselves but you'll be glad to know that we'll be voting tomorrow so you can put all of this behind you soon."

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. The candidates turn around as Naruto comes in with the latest edition of the Konoha Inquirer. The headline: Mud for Some, Boobies for All – Uchiha Sasuke's supporters get down and dirty for their candidate.

"RRRAAAAGGGHHH!" screamed Sasuke, lunging for the offending piece of dubious journalism only to be restrained by Tsunade.

"Oh no you don't, I want to read that." She said.

"Ne, ne, on page three there's a picture of Kiba bribing Akamaru with a dog biscuit." Naruto waved the magazine around.

"WHAT! Give me that!" Kiba snatched it out of his hands and turned to the page in question. "This picture is months old! And I was not bribing Akamaru he was being rewarded for a successful mission! How did they even get this?" No one in the room had an answer to that but between you, me, and the keyboard Inuzuka Hana was five hundred ryou richer this morning.

_The final chapter is upon us! Oh woe! WOE you cry as the end of an age is upon us! _(No really. Yell out "Oh, woe!" as loud as you can it'll be hilarious.) _And there shall be much wailing and gnashing of teeth and writing of death threats! But lo…what doth appeareth on the horizon? Can it be? It is! New comedy fics for the Depraved Masses! Rapture and joy for some, conniption fits for others! _


	10. Chapter 10

Hi everyone, this chapter is a week late because Murphy likes to cluster bomb me and that's all I'm allowed to say about it (damn confidentiality agreement…).

The Shinobi's Guide to Politricks  
By Kaori

Election fever was in the air. Shinobi lined up at the various polling stations to cast their vote for who would be Genin of the Year. Villagers made a festival out of the occasion and were selling snacks and a few had even set up game booths. In a side room at each station, Tsunade's Profiteers were taking last-minute bets as to who was going to win this election. Villagers were saying Sasuke, but the bets among the ninja population varied by the hour although nobody disputed that Kiba is the underdog (pun intended) in this race.

Far from sitting quietly at home and waiting for the results to come in, each candidate had gotten the same reprehensible idea: sneak into the polling stations and stuff the ballot boxes.

As this is a village of ninjas, most of you would say that this is a mission impossible. However, those of us who live in democratic countries know that during an election year you will find there are people willing to ignore the spirit of democracy in order to ensure what they feel is a more acceptable political climate. This is how Sasuke was able to access the ballot box on its way to its designated polling station and stuff it full of votes, how Neji managed to bribe a fangirl with a lock of his hair for access to the ballot box she was supposed to be guarding and stuff it full of votes in his favor, and how Kiba (with the help of the Canine Coalition led by Akamaru who is off the Puppy Craig diet) muscled his way into the room where they store the ballot boxes until the votes were counted and stuffed them full of votes for himself.

Unfortunately for our three hopefuls, Tsunade and her profiteers aren't stupid and knew they'd each try to rig the election, so when it came time to count the votes, the Godaime abruptly had all the ballots burned and asked everyone who voted (which basically meant everyone whose right thumb was now dyed purple) to line up outside the Hokage Tower. Each voter was given a black bead and asked to place it one of the three opaque jars. Each jar had the name of a candidate on it and the area the jars were being kept in was guarded by eight ANBU (four outside and four inside) who were exempt from the electoral process and were not allowed to make any bets during the entire event (as compensation they were also exempt from guarding the Hokage Tower for the rest of the year).

"Dammit…" cursed Kiba as he and the other three candidates were forced to wait in the Tower in the middle of the Forest of Death of all places. "If I had known I'd have to be cooped up with you bastards all day I'd never have run."

"You're not exactly my idea of good company either." Glared Sasuke. Neji was silently plotting to kill both of them and win the election by default. Fortunately for Sasuke and Kiba, Tsunade had seen fit to assign Kakashi, Naruto, and Anko as their guards.

"Quit whining or we'll throw you in the forest!" Anko yelled from the other side of the door.

"Can't you at least bring us a TV?" whined Kiba.

"You'll get nothing and like it!"

"Now Anko-san, we did promise the Hokage we'd at least let them eat." Chided Kakashi.

"What Tsunade-sama doesn't know won't hurt her."

"Watch it; a casual observer might mistake that for treason."

"Feh, from what I hear the Hyuuga could stand to loose a few pounds." Snorted Anko. "I suppose we could feed the other two." There was an indignant squawk from inside the room. "Well, we could if Naruto hadn't eaten their food."

"You told me that was lunch!" protested Naruto.

"Yes but I didn't say whose did I? Ah well, I guess you'll have to go back to the village and get some more."

"WHAT!"

"Well, you did eat it so it's only fair that you go get it."

"Why the hell would I do that when _you're_ the one who said it was okay in the first place? You're almost as bad as Ero-sennin! Besides I didn't eat it all! There's a sandwich left over."

Inside, the "prisoners" had been listening to the argument…and their stomachs growling. At the news that there was only one sandwich left they glared at each other. Suddenly the door opened and Kakashi stuck his head in.

"Well I'm assuming you heard all that seeing as how Anko and Naruto are so loud…"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING LOUD!" two fists walloped him.

"Ouch! That hurt you guys… Anyway, here's the sandwich." He threw it into the room and it landed neatly on the coffee table. "Bon apetit." And he shut the door. Then he turned to his two cohorts. "Want to go watch them fight over the security monitor?" Both Anko and Naruto sported evil grins.

"I'll get the sandwiches!" chirped Anko. (1)

Back in the village, the last person in the line stepped out of the booth at six forty-seven p.m. A gong was rung for dramatic effect.

"The Genin of the Year election is officially closed!" Shiqune announced. "The results will be announced at ten o' clock tonight. Still excited, the crowd dispersed to go drink and party. When the official results were announced, they'd drink and party some more and no one would go to work tomorrow because that's when the parade is and they have to rest up for all the drinking and partying they'll do during that (2).

Meanwhile…

SOCK!

"THAT SANDWICH IS MINE!" (Sasuke)

"IN YOUR DREAMS, UCHIHA!" (Kiba)

THUMP! SMACK!

"VICTORY IS MINE!" (Neji)

"LIKE HELL IT IS!"

"AWK! LET GO OF MY HAIR!"

"LET GO OF THE SANDWICH!"

"NEVER!"

"KATON: GOKAKYU NO JUTSU!" (SASUKE)

FWOOSH!

"AAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!" (Neji and Kiba)

"Whoops…"

"YOU BASTARD! YOU BURNT IT!" (Kiba)

"I'LL KILL YOU!" (Neji)

"Feh, you two couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag." (Sasuke)

"OH YEAH? TSUUGA!" (Kiba)

"GAAAAAAAH!" (Sasuke and Neji)

"SUCK ON THAT YA BASTARDS!"

"Damn, this is too funny…" Anko snickered. She, Kakashi, and Naruto had been watching the three genin fight over the sandwich for two hours. "What time is it anyway?"

"Err…seven fifteen." Said Kakashi. "Ooh, that was a low blow…"

"We'll let 'em fight for another fifteen minutes before we give them the rest of the sandwiches."

Ten o' clock finally rolled around and everyone gathered in front of the Hokage Tower to hear the results. Neji, Kiba, and Sasuke stood behind the Hokage on the balcony overlooking the square clothes ripped up and bodies covered in bruises.

"I will now read the results of the votes!" Tsunade announced gleefully. "Inuzuka Kiba…178 votes. Uchiha Sasuke…183 votes. Hyuuga Neji…172 votes. Congratulations Uchiha Sasuke, you are the Genin of the Year!"

A loud cheer went up in the crowd and people immediately commenced partying. Sasuke smirked at Kiba and Neji. "I told you I would win."

"I demand a recount!" glared Kiba.

"Accept your defeat with dignity Kiba." Neji said as Tsunade led Sasuke off to claim his reward. Naruto popped up behind them and draped an arm around Kiba's shoulders.

"Yeah, after all, you really don't want to be Sasuke right now." Both former candidates looked at Naruto in confusion.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…"

In the Hokage's office, Sasuke was feeling incredibly pleased with himself. He had proven that once again, the Uchiha clan is superior to all and he had scored a (small) victory over his hated older brother, as Itachi had never attained the title of Genin of the Year.

"Sasuke," the Hokage interrupted his internal victory party. "as Genin of the Year you are exempt from all D-Rank missions for a week. This is so you can attend to an important solo B-Rank mission."

"_Ha! Take that Hyuuga, Inuzuka_." Sasuke thought as the Hokage took out a file. She handed it to him and he opened it, and instantly recoiled at the 8 x 10 glossy adorning the first page of the mission profile.

It was either an effeminate boy, an ugly girl, or a human-sized rat wearing the regalia of a noble house. Piggish eyes squinted at the camera and the mouth sported two buck teeth. Stringy, light brown hair was done up in an unattractive bun.

"That," the Hokage explained. "is the Daimyo's niece, Tessara. Your mission is to be her escort while she visits him next week. You are to never leave her side until the week is over."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Ah politics, sometimes even when you win, you lose.

_Thank you all for reading this series of doubtfully humorous stories. I will no longer be writing The Shinobi's Guide to… series. However, if you feel you are up to the task you are more than welcome to continue on. I only__ ask that you give me my props._

_I'd also like to especially thank Clark Cradic, ravemastaj, Twilight Goddess Sage, The Violent Tomboy, kittydemon18, Kitsune Kit, Garret pi, and everyone else who stuck with me down the Rabbit Hole of Depravity from the very beginning.__ You guys rock!_

1) In case you were wondering, that whole scene was a setup to alleviate the boredom of the guards. It also serves no other purpose than to distract the reader from the fact that I'm stalling…Dammit I just gave myself away, didn't I?

2) I don't know if this is true for other parts of the Caribbean but most people in my country only go to work for half the day during an election and then decide to take the following day off to sleep off the booze and go party later that day.


End file.
